The beauty of letting go

Healing is messy. But healing is so beautiful.  I think I am finally finding the person I was meant to be.  I have a lot of people to thank for that, but honestly, I owe the biggest thanks to those who have hurt me the most.  

This morning, my daughter asked me what I felt like to have your heart broken.  I couldn't find the words to describe it to her.  All I could do was think of the darkness it pulled me into.  The absolute despair I felt when I looked back at the love lost in my life.  

Never, did I ever, think I would be writing this.  Losing you was the one thing I never thought I would have to face, and when I did, it was the one thing I thought I would never survive.  And for a minute, I barely did.  I was a shell of me.  I lost my friend, I lost my love, I lost a sense of purpose.  We were so intertwined.  We shared friends, we shared hobbies, our families were intertwined.  Who was I without you?  You were supposed to be safe.  You were never supposed to hurt me.  How was it that losing you hurt more than anything I had ever experienced?  How could you just walk away, without looking back.  What about all of this love you left me?  But one day, it clicked.  All it took was for you to continually show me who you really were, that side of you you kept hidden.  I just had to accept that you were that person, and once I did, it was so freeing.  I can't count the hours I spent staring at my phone, praying it would ring with your name scrolling across.  Or the times my heart sank when it wasn't your name.  Then, I took control.  I decided that to keep from breaking my own heart, I had to eliminate the risk.  You knew I was drowning, and you were perfectly content watching me sink.  I realized, that is not the person I want to love.  At the time, I thought it was going to kill me.  But now I realize, staying with you would have killed the person I was meant to discover.  Thank you.  Thank you for showing me what love is NOT.  You don’t destroy someone you love you destroy things, possessions, but not someone you love. But guess what, buddy. You weren’t able to destroy me. Because like a phoenix, I rose from the ashes.  Thank you for clearing the way for who was really meant to be in my life.  Thank you for making room for the man that is capable of loving me. For the man that can handle all the love I have to give. 

I realize I can be a bit much.  My laugh can be a bit loud.  My sense of humor can be a bit dark.  My face can be a bit intimidating.  My personality can be a bit large.  I'm not for everyone.  None of us are.  But I have realized that the people that can't accept that are gradually weeding themselves out of my life.  I, lately, have found myself surrounded by the people who unapologetically love me.  

For the first time in my adult life, I can finally say I am living for me.  I am making my own decisions, rather than just keeping my mouth shut to keep the peace, or choosing what I think someone else would want, just to keep them happy.  Now I live for me, and have attracted people around me that fully accept me, and not people who are hoping I will morph into what they want me to be.  I am finally choosing people.  I'm choosing friendships, relationships.  I am no longer willing to sit back and let life happen to me.  I am in charge of my own life.  Do I have it all figured out just yet?  No.  Will I ever?  I don't know.  But I will certainly try, rather than leaving my fate in someone else's hands.  And as far as all of that love you left me?  Well, here's the thing, you left it with me.  And now, I get to chose who I share that love with.  That love is still there, it is just no longer for you.  You lost.  I didn't.  I gained.  For when you failed to see my worth, it forced me to search for it.  It forced me to recognize what I brought to the table, and it made me realize, I was done settling.   No longer will I plaster on the fake smile that I had mastered for you.  No longer will I gut out excruciating situations, so as not to rock the boat.  That girl is dead. 

So to those of you who have hurt me.  Thank you.  For you have unleashed the me I was always meant to be.  You have helped me discover the person inside of me that I am learning to love.  You have helped me realize what I certainly don't want in my partner, and that is as important as realizing what I do want.  You hurting me, and leaving, has paved the way for me to be the type of woman I was meant to be for the man who was meant to love me for me. 

For those of you who have stayed in my life, or maybe are just entering it:  Welcome.  I am choosing my people, my tribe.  If you are in my life, it's becauseI want you here.  From now on, no one else gets to chose for me if they belong in my life.  I get to chose that.  

Quarantine life in a nutshell

These shirts are ordered, and will hopefully be
here by our reopen day, set for Monday, May 4!

I laugh at the t-shirts, and memes I have seen created since the "social distancing" has become our new normal.  I nod my head in agreement with the jokes that say that some of us have been preparing for social distancing our entire lives.  But the truth is, I miss my life.  I miss my routine.  I miss the smiling faces of my clients.  I miss greeting the mail man and paper guy each day at work.  I miss gently bullying my coworkers each day.  I miss having a reason to get out of bed, and to get myself dressed and dolled up for the day.  And I miss the certainty that each day seemed to hold prior to March 24, when the stay at home order was issued.

For a virus that a majority of us will never contract, COVID-19 has affected all of us more than we ever thought possible.  

Over night, I went from a full-time working, salon owning, boutique owning mom, to a stay at home, homeschooling mom.  Not a role I ever saw myself in.  And let me say, hats off to you ladies that do this every day.  Your job is a challenge, and I respect the hell out of you!  That being said, my kids have been awesome.  They have done their school work, then jumped in to helping me with whatever project I have going for the day.  And how awesome is it, that all three of them have randomly asked how I am doing, and if I am ok, because they know I miss my salon family and life?!?!  I seriously have the best kids!

Miss B turned 9 during quarantine.  We spent
the day tie dying, and opening gifts.  Her favorite
gift?... Her WWE toys she got.  This girl loves
wrestling and the Bella Twins.

I've done all the things that Quarantine '20 has required.  I have binge watched all of Tiger King , and fully believe that Carol Baskin killed her husband, got caught up on all of my true crime TV shows, done several DIY projects, and have done some baking.  We even had a 9th birthday party for my red headed princess.  She took it like a champ with only being able to have siblings and the neighbor friend over.  She made the best of it and I was so very proud of her for that.  Trying to find ways to keep myself occupied has never been an issue for me.  In the past, I spent my days wishing I could find a few more hours in each day so I could accomplish what I felt I needed to for that day.  After getting home from working all day, and doing supper and a few chores, there was almost always certainly some sort of project I was in the middle of o prepping for.  I was never good at "oh, it can wait till tomorrow".  I was a go getter, and felt the need to finish a project that I started, and would work myself ragged until it was done.  Now, the last few days, more often than not, I find myself just kind of walking around looking for something to do.  I've cleaned out the storage rooms.  I've rearranged the living room.  In fact, I have gutted the bathroom, and gotten new flooring in the main part of the house, redone the laundry room, cleaned out the cabinets... the list goes on.  Now, I find myself wondering, if without my salon life, if I have a purpose.  Sure, the kids need help with their homework for a couple of hours, but when those hours are over, they are off doing their own thing.  Who am I when I'm not a hairstylist and a mom?  This question really bothered me the first few days of self reflection.  Now I have realized, maybe I'm no one without these two things.  And I'm ok with that.  I will be a mom for the rest of my life, and the relationships I have made doing hair will follow me through out the rest of my life.  And that, my friends, is a blessing. 

The amount of love shown to myself and my family throughout this safer at home order has been overwhelming.  I've gotten texts, phone calls, facebook messages, and even good old fashioned letters, encouraging me, and letting me know that people believe in me, and my business, and they are going to support it when we are allowed to reopen.  I've heard more people insist that my job should be considered "essential", and let me assure you, to me, my clients are "essential".  I have missed those smiling faces more than I can describe.  To my clients reading this, I want you to know that each and every one of you is cherished, and are a blessing to my life!  Thank you so much for supporting my family, and supporting my dreams.

On Monday, fingers crossed, I should get to reopen the salon.  There will be new regulations in place.  All a part of our new normal.  I will have to wear a facemask, as well as my client.  So I'm hoping that we have all had a chance to recharge, and that I will be able to see the smile in everyone's eyes, since I might not be able to see your smiling lips!

To the man who loves me next...

First of all, let me say thank you.  Why thank you?  Because obviously you are special enough that I am willing to let you in... willing to take the risk of being hurt again.  That must mean that you have shown me something that made me think you must be different... so thank you.

Next, let me apologize.  I'm damaged.  Broken.  I won't be easy to love.  Your job loving me will be a tough one.  I don't know how much of my heart I have left to give, although I promise, to the right person, I will give all I have to give.   I'm insecure, anxious, I overthink, and the only thing I am certain of, is that people leave.  I will push you away when I feel like you're getting too close, and just hope and pray that you fight your way back in.  When given too much time to think, I will try to talk myself out of loving you.  I will convince myself of all the reasons you are certain to leave.  And I will probably try to tell you about all of those reasons....  I'm working on that.  I keep telling myself I'm working on "rewiring" my brain.  But most of all, when I do that, what I'm looking for is just some reassurance.  Reassurance that you aren't going anywhere, and reassurance that you are going to be patient, as I figure out what a healthy love looks like.  The sad thing is, I know I'm doing it, but for some reason, my defense mechanism is stronger than my self control in this area.  Call it self preservation, if you will.  But, if you are patient, and ride out this storm with me, I promise I will love you like you have never been loved.  Teach me, show me, and I promise you, it will be worth it.  I am worth it.

I want you to understand that I don't need you.  I want you.  There is a huge difference.  I once had someone ask me, "Do you love him because you need him, or do you need him because you love him?"... read that again.... think about it... The two choices are very different, and very profound.  Sure, I will let you help me if I need it, although it may be hard, because I've been forced to be independent.  But understand that I don't need to be rescued, saved, or fixed.  I'm working on doing that on my own.  I just need someone to stand BY me as I fix myself.

And there might be times that I seem demanding, or stubborn. Which, I can definitely be both.... but this time, I refuse to settle for less than I deserve.  I refuse to settle for what I know is less.... I will not continually give more than I receive.  This time, my love will not be one sided.

I will do my best not to hurt you.  But I will.  Just as I am sure there will be times you will hurt me. My tongue can be sharp, and my shoulder can be just as cold.  But I really do try to avoid this.   My desire to not hurt people is so strong, that more often, I end up hurting myself.  That has been my pattern in the past.  A pattern that I've had a really hard time breaking.  So please, once you figure this out, don't take advantage of it.  Because I would never take advantage of you.  And please, do not mistake my kindness for weakness, everyone has their breaking point.

I'm done playing games.  Games are for kids.  Games only get people hurt.  If you feel something, say it.  If you want something, say it.  The bad boy routine is played out.  The bad boy thing was attractive when I was a teenager.  Not anymore.  Little girls are in to the bad boy thing, not grown women.  That ship has sailed.  I don't want that man that pretends to not have a care in the world, including me.  Now, I want a grown ass man with his shit together who isn't afraid to say how they feel.  Show me your sad, vulnerable side.  Because trust me, I have one too.  I want someone that can carry me on the days that I can't give it all, and I want someone who isn't afraid to ask me for help when they need it too.   So, if it is games you are looking for, if you love that chase, then get bored with the actual relationship, look for a different opponent.  Because love shouldn't be about games, which indicates that there are opposing sides.  Love is about oneness.  Love isn't about the chase.  Love is about the life you build.  If you aren't looking to build, kindly leave me alone.

I'm looking for that great, safe love.  I'm looking for the man that is just as proud to call me his when I'm standing in the kitchen in one of his tshirts, as he is when I'm all done up for a night out.  I'm looking for a man that is just as content spending a night in, as he is spending a night out.  I'm looking for that man that isn't afraid to shout form the rooftops that I am his.  I'm looking for that man that is willing to show me what real love is.  I want you to know that you may not have been my first love, but I'm hoping you are my last...  And if that man finds himself reading this, just know, I've been waiting for you.... Hello Handsome...