Sunday, January 5, 2020

To the man who loves me next...

First of all, let me say thank you.  Why thank you?  Because obviously you are special enough that I am willing to let you in... willing to take the risk of being hurt again.  That must mean that you have shown me something that made me think you must be different... so thank you.

Next, let me apologize.  I'm damaged.  Broken.  I won't be easy to love.  Your job loving me will be a tough one.  I don't know how much of my heart I have left to give, although I promise, to the right person, I will give all I have to give.   I'm insecure, anxious, I overthink, and the only thing I am certain of, is that people leave.  I will push you away when I feel like you're getting too close, and just hope and pray that you fight your way back in.  When given too much time to think, I will try to talk myself out of loving you.  I will convince myself of all the reasons you are certain to leave.  And I will probably try to tell you about all of those reasons....  I'm working on that.  I keep telling myself I'm working on "rewiring" my brain.  But most of all, when I do that, what I'm looking for is just some reassurance.  Reassurance that you aren't going anywhere, and reassurance that you are going to be patient, as I figure out what a healthy love looks like.  The sad thing is, I know I'm doing it, but for some reason, my defense mechanism is stronger than my self control in this area.  Call it self preservation, if you will.  But, if you are patient, and ride out this storm with me, I promise I will love you like you have never been loved.  Teach me, show me, and I promise you, it will be worth it.  I am worth it.

I want you to understand that I don't need you.  I want you.  There is a huge difference.  I once had someone ask me, "Do you love him because you need him, or do you need him because you love him?"... read that again.... think about it... The two choices are very different, and very profound.  Sure, I will let you help me if I need it, although it may be hard, because I've been forced to be independent.  But understand that I don't need to be rescued, saved, or fixed.  I'm working on doing that on my own.  I just need someone to stand BY me as I fix myself.

And there might be times that I seem demanding, or stubborn. Which, I can definitely be both.... but this time, I refuse to settle for less than I deserve.  I refuse to settle for what I know is less.... I will not continually give more than I receive.  This time, my love will not be one sided.

I will do my best not to hurt you.  But I will.  Just as I am sure there will be times you will hurt me. My tongue can be sharp, and my shoulder can be just as cold.  But I really do try to avoid this.   My desire to not hurt people is so strong, that more often, I end up hurting myself.  That has been my pattern in the past.  A pattern that I've had a really hard time breaking.  So please, once you figure this out, don't take advantage of it.  Because I would never take advantage of you.  And please, do not mistake my kindness for weakness, everyone has their breaking point.

I'm done playing games.  Games are for kids.  Games only get people hurt.  If you feel something, say it.  If you want something, say it.  The bad boy routine is played out.  The bad boy thing was attractive when I was a teenager.  Not anymore.  Little girls are in to the bad boy thing, not grown women.  That ship has sailed.  I don't want that man that pretends to not have a care in the world, including me.  Now, I want a grown ass man with his shit together who isn't afraid to say how they feel.  Show me your sad, vulnerable side.  Because trust me, I have one too.  I want someone that can carry me on the days that I can't give it all, and I want someone who isn't afraid to ask me for help when they need it too.   So, if it is games you are looking for, if you love that chase, then get bored with the actual relationship, look for a different opponent.  Because love shouldn't be about games, which indicates that there are opposing sides.  Love is about oneness.  Love isn't about the chase.  Love is about the life you build.  If you aren't looking to build, kindly leave me alone.

I'm looking for that great, safe love.  I'm looking for the man that is just as proud to call me his when I'm standing in the kitchen in one of his tshirts, as he is when I'm all done up for a night out.  I'm looking for a man that is just as content spending a night in, as he is spending a night out.  I'm looking for that man that isn't afraid to shout form the rooftops that I am his.  I'm looking for that man that is willing to show me what real love is.  I want you to know that you may not have been my first love, but I'm hoping you are my last...  And if that man finds himself reading this, just know, I've been waiting for you.... Hello Handsome...


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