We have now reached the ugly part of the divorce. Anyone who has gone through this knows what I'm talking about. You know the part, where the gloves come off. The part where the hurt isn't as fresh, and the person that walked away is no longer feeling guilty for hurting me. The part where the sadness has transformed into anger. The part where you never know which version of that person you are getting for the day, the nice one, or the angry one. The part where I can ask a simple question and it gets a snarky answer in reply. The part where I hear the things he is saying about me to people, and I have to pretend it doesn't bother me. The part where public shame on social media turns into a game, to see how low of a blow can be dealt. The part where I have to turn the other cheek, and not react. Where whatever he does is ok, but everything I do is wrong. Where it's ok for him to move on, but not ok for me to do the same. The part where, for some reason, it seems as if hurting me is his goal. The part that I never wanted to reach... the part where I hate him. The part where I can't stand to look at him.
"You will never be enough for the wrong person"
I'm trying so hard to take the advice of all of my friends and "not take the bait"... and just not fight with him, not give him the satisfaction, but damn, that's hard. For so long, not feeling like I had a voice in my marriage, I want to scream back, and finally be heard. I want to scream that he no longer gets to control me through manipulations, and backhanded comments. I want to scream "YOU DON'T GET TO DO THIS TO ME ANYMORE!!" I want to stand up, and show that I am my own person, and Cora is someone, with or without Him by my side. I am enough. Whether he saw that or not. I am enough.
But if I wasn't seen by him in my marriage, what makes me think he will see me now? What will fighting back solve? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It will just drag this whole thing out. If it was time to walk away, it's time I do just that... walk away. I'm just ready to close this chapter of my life. I'm ready to stop hurting at his hand. I'm ready for every one of my past mistakes to not be used against me. I'm ready to not have the kids used against me. I'm ready to not have things like property settlements, and parenting time used against me. I'm ready for him to not be able to threaten me with things "not working out for me" or "getting ugly". I'm ready to stop shedding tears caused by him. I'm ready to be able enjoy myself and not have it ruined with a nasty phone call or text from him. I'm ready to not have a feeling of dread in my stomach when I look at my phone and realize it is him calling or texting. I'm ready to not have to "pretend" to be ok being around him for the kids, and to actually be ok being around him. I'm ready to walk away. It feels good to say that. I didn't know that I would ever get to that point. But I'm here, and I'm ready.
I've heard it said many times that being happy is the best revenge. But what if it isn't revenge you are looking for, but simply peace? Revenge isn't a solution. Revenge just fuels the fire. Revenge implies vengeance. It implies a hatred of sorts. It implies it is consuming your thoughts. Revenge is done out of spite, not out of healing. It's time for me to heal. I'm done with the one upping, and the fighting. I'm done letting the anger and sadness consume me. There was enough of that in our marriage. The whole purpose in realizing it was time to walk away was to be free from this.... yet it continues. When will it stop? When will enough be enough? How do people get satisfaction out of knowing that they have hurt someone with their words or actions? How does it give some people relief to know that have exacted "revenge"? I don't want revenge, I want peace.
I know as I sit here and write this, that I am not the only woman on this planet going through this. I know that there is a woman out there reading this, nodding her head, completely relating to every word. I know that I am not the only one crying, when my kids aren't looking. I know that I am not the only one trying to heal from things someone will never apologize for. I know that I am not the only one hurting from things I don't discuss. This is why I write this. I don't write this to air all of my dirty laundry... trust me, we would be here for much longer if that was my quest. I don't write this to rag on my ex... that's the last thing either of us need. I write this to tell everyone going through this, you are not alone. There are countless other people going through what you are going through, and people who have already been through it. And in my heart, I know that I will be ok, in fact, better, at the end of all of this, and so will you. If I can do this, so can you. Did you hear me? You can do this.
Hello Cora, it's nice to see you... I'm glad you are on your way home.
