Monday, August 17, 2020

The beauty of letting go

Healing is messy. But healing is so beautiful.  I think I am finally finding the person I was meant to be.  I have a lot of people to thank for that, but honestly, I owe the biggest thanks to those who have hurt me the most.  

This morning, my daughter asked me what I felt like to have your heart broken.  I couldn't find the words to describe it to her.  All I could do was think of the darkness it pulled me into.  The absolute despair I felt when I looked back at the love lost in my life.  

Never, did I ever, think I would be writing this.  Losing you was the one thing I never thought I would have to face, and when I did, it was the one thing I thought I would never survive.  And for a minute, I barely did.  I was a shell of me.  I lost my friend, I lost my love, I lost a sense of purpose.  We were so intertwined.  We shared friends, we shared hobbies, our families were intertwined.  Who was I without you?  You were supposed to be safe.  You were never supposed to hurt me.  How was it that losing you hurt more than anything I had ever experienced?  How could you just walk away, without looking back.  What about all of this love you left me?  But one day, it clicked.  All it took was for you to continually show me who you really were, that side of you you kept hidden.  I just had to accept that you were that person, and once I did, it was so freeing.  I can't count the hours I spent staring at my phone, praying it would ring with your name scrolling across.  Or the times my heart sank when it wasn't your name.  Then, I took control.  I decided that to keep from breaking my own heart, I had to eliminate the risk.  You knew I was drowning, and you were perfectly content watching me sink.  I realized, that is not the person I want to love.  At the time, I thought it was going to kill me.  But now I realize, staying with you would have killed the person I was meant to discover.  Thank you.  Thank you for showing me what love is NOT.  You don’t destroy someone you love you destroy things, possessions, but not someone you love. But guess what, buddy. You weren’t able to destroy me. Because like a phoenix, I rose from the ashes.  Thank you for clearing the way for who was really meant to be in my life.  Thank you for making room for the man that is capable of loving me. For the man that can handle all the love I have to give. 

I realize I can be a bit much.  My laugh can be a bit loud.  My sense of humor can be a bit dark.  My face can be a bit intimidating.  My personality can be a bit large.  I'm not for everyone.  None of us are.  But I have realized that the people that can't accept that are gradually weeding themselves out of my life.  I, lately, have found myself surrounded by the people who unapologetically love me.  

For the first time in my adult life, I can finally say I am living for me.  I am making my own decisions, rather than just keeping my mouth shut to keep the peace, or choosing what I think someone else would want, just to keep them happy.  Now I live for me, and have attracted people around me that fully accept me, and not people who are hoping I will morph into what they want me to be.  I am finally choosing people.  I'm choosing friendships, relationships.  I am no longer willing to sit back and let life happen to me.  I am in charge of my own life.  Do I have it all figured out just yet?  No.  Will I ever?  I don't know.  But I will certainly try, rather than leaving my fate in someone else's hands.  And as far as all of that love you left me?  Well, here's the thing, you left it with me.  And now, I get to chose who I share that love with.  That love is still there, it is just no longer for you.  You lost.  I didn't.  I gained.  For when you failed to see my worth, it forced me to search for it.  It forced me to recognize what I brought to the table, and it made me realize, I was done settling.   No longer will I plaster on the fake smile that I had mastered for you.  No longer will I gut out excruciating situations, so as not to rock the boat.  That girl is dead. 

So to those of you who have hurt me.  Thank you.  For you have unleashed the me I was always meant to be.  You have helped me discover the person inside of me that I am learning to love.  You have helped me realize what I certainly don't want in my partner, and that is as important as realizing what I do want.  You hurting me, and leaving, has paved the way for me to be the type of woman I was meant to be for the man who was meant to love me for me. 

For those of you who have stayed in my life, or maybe are just entering it:  Welcome.  I am choosing my people, my tribe.  If you are in my life, it's becauseI want you here.  From now on, no one else gets to chose for me if they belong in my life.  I get to chose that.  

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