You know, a couple of years ago, I would have felt awful for admitting that. Frankly, I probably wouldn't have admitted it. I would have felt like I was going to be judged for saying something even remotely along those lines. And I'm sure there are people out there that will judge this post. But they obviously have perfect children. Normally, I can find a way to laugh these things off, and somehow make my blogs about these kinds of things humorous, and today, I can't even do that. Earlier this evening, I was talking to one of my old teachers, whom I have an immense amount of admiration and respect for, and she basically told me that as far as life goes, I'm killin it.... I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
My youngest has been sick. Has had a fever off and on for 6 days now. I've taken her to the doctor and got the standard, "it's probably viral and will have to run its course" and sent on our way response. By now, day 6, she is sick of being sick, and I'm sick of her being sick. Selfishly, I can't deal with the whining anymore, I have stuff I need to get done, and I want her to go play on her own, rather that wanting me to wait on her hand and foot. I mean, I distinctly remember at least twice, looking at her, wondering if this is my karma. Like, are we sure I'm cut out for this? I. Need. A. Break. And that's ok.
I refuse to feel bad about the fact that I am human, and I have human emotions. I don't know about all of you other moms, but being a mom didn't give me the super power of having and endless fountain of patience flowing from my inner self. It didn't give me complete and utter selflessness. And it certainly didn't give me and endless amount of energy. See, in my opinion, there is far too much mom shaming that goes on in this world. This expert says don't spank. That expert says don't say "no", offer another option. Do this, do that, don't do this, don't do that. As mothers, we are told far too often how we are doing it all wrong, when in all honesty, we're all just winging it. We are all flying by the seat of our pants, keeping our fingers crossed, and hoping for the best. There is no such thing as a parenting expert. How can anyone really be an expert at something where there are no two like subjects? See, all of these little humans running around are actual people, with people emotions, and personalities, and no two humans are exactly alike. And Moms, the same goes for us. We're human.
|I love these little turds, and don't know what I |
would do without them. Although sometimes
I wouldn't mind an extended solo vacation...
When I wake up tomorrow, I will probably still be a little mad. But you know what? I will still love my kid. And she will still love me. I will still give her a kiss and hug and tell her I love her. And she will do the same. I will still tell her to have a great day, and mean it. And I will not allow myself to feel bad about having a bad mom day. It happens to all of us, whether we want to admit it or not.
My ultimate hope for my kids is that they always know, no matter what, I tried my best. I'm sure that I have made plenty of mom mistakes, I'm sure I made a few today, but I'm doing my best. so to all you moms out there, you're doing a good job! You're mazing, and beautiful, and someone out there is looking up to you right at this very moment. Don't forget that!
But for now, I'm not going to worry about tomorrow. I'm gonna go pour myself a glass of wine, turn on some Pandora to angry rock and roll music, take a bubble bath, and try to forget this day ever happened.