Thursday, December 7, 2017

An open letter to my Ex and his new bride

Dear D and K,

Congratulations.  I mean this from the bottom of my heart.  I could not be more happy for the two of you.  You two have just started the journey of your lives together, and I want you to know, you have my full support.  I will always have BOTH of your backs.

To K (the new bride):

Welcome to the family.  Yes, I said "family".  For even though we are not together, and haven't been for years, we have continued to function like a family for G's sake.  Not a traditional family by any sense of the word, but the family unit we have created.  We still do holidays and birthdays together, and we still hang out.  He is my best friend.  You have just married my best friend.  I know that sounds funny, coming from his ex, but it's true.  We were two very imperfect people, who made a perfect son.  But over the years, we have done a very good job of continuing to love each other.  Not in the sense of being hung up on each other, or longing for each other, but in the sense of respecting each other because we have given each other the greatest gift imaginable; our son.  Through peacefully co-parenting in the beginning, to a deep friendship now, we have a unique situation. People have always thought our relationship was odd.  I go to his house parties, he takes my children that aren't his to his house for the weekend, we talk regularly, and sit together at ball games.  We are friends.  It is the best possible scenario for our son.  You have accepted this, even embraced it.  And you have become my friend too.  That's how I know you're right for him. Please be good to him, better than I was.  Please handle his heart with care.

On top of being a newlywed to my friend, you are now my son's new stepmom.  And I don't think I could have picked a better one for him.  See, I've always wanted to know (and approve) of whoever D ended up with, because I knew this person would have a huge impact on my son.  God forbid, if anything ever happened to me, you're it.  You would be his mom.  So it has always been important to me to know this woman who would have such a huge role in his life.  I WANTED to know you, and be your friend.  I want you to know me.  I want you to know how much I love my son.  I want you to know and support how he is raised, and what I expect of him.  Lucky for me, you are very willing to have this type of relationship with me.  I see it already.  I see the love you have for him.  I see how you have his back, and how you bring tenderness to the house that was formerly a dude's pad.  I have complete confidence that you will make that house a home.  I am a step mom too.  And at times it seems like a very thankless job.  You're behind the scenes, making sure everything is ready for when he is at your house, making sure presents are bought for birthdays and holidays, and most of the time, it's Dad that gets the recognition.  Know that I know, and I see.  I know, and am thankful for all you already do, and all you will do for him throughout the years.  I hope you always have my back, and I will always have yours.  We girls have to stick together ;).

To D (the groom):

Congratulations, my friend.  I'm so happy for you.  You know for years I have worried about you.  I have worried about you being alone in that house when G isn't there.  I worried the loneliness would at some point over take you, and your old demons would come back to haunt you.  But in your happiness, I have peace.  I know that K does and excellent job of keeping you in check.  And I see in your eyes that she does an excellent job of keeping you happy as well.

Be good to her.  Better than you were to me.  Better than we were to each other.  Learn from the mistakes that were made with us.  Create the life you always imagined.  But most importantly, love her.  Love her through her flaws.  Love her on those days where she just may not feel like being perfect, and shouldering the load, for we all have those days.  Love is an action, not a feeling.  She is good to you, and good to our son.  You finally found what you have been waiting for all these years.  Enjoy every little moment.

Be good to her son.  You are now a step parent.  As long as you treat her son how you expect her to treat G, you will be on the right path.  And try to remember, there is no such thing as "step" kids.  They're just kids.  You have gained another kid.  Our crazy, messy family unit now has another little guy in it. Thank you for bringing that blessing to us.  Kids can never have too many people to love them.  Remember that.  Remember that being a step parent is often a thankless job.  K may not say "thank you" for all that you do, but she is thankful, and her little guy is too.  Just remember, you won't get praised for everything.  Don't expect it.  It may not be seen at the time, but some day, he will look back and know you were there for him.

As you make new traditions with your new wife, know that I understand some things may change with us, as they should.  You may not come to me for a woman's perspective on things, or relationship advice.  It may not be me you call when you need to vent about something. You may not be at all of my family functions anymore, because you have your new in-laws to consider.  I don't begrudge this.  I am happy for you.  But I want you to know that you are still, and always will be welcome, as are she and little man.  We have just added more to this chaos we call our family.

With much love,

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