Monday, January 14, 2013

Coming of age?

I have been thinking about starting a blog for quite some time now... Not because I think I have all of the answers to the mysteries of the universe, but because I believe everyone has a voice that needs to be heard.  Whether it's heard by a few, or a million, everyone has something to share.

My life has been a bit of a roller coaster the past 30 years and has turned out to be nothing like what I had mapped out. I mean, I always knew I wanted to be a wife and a mom, but the route I took to get to my own personal happiness was nothing like I expected.

My oldest daughter, Ashlynne, is turning 10 today. It's unreal to me that my baby has now hit the double digits.  As I reflect back over the past 10 years I have to admit it is nothing like I pictured it would be.  Most people when they think of the birth of their first child remember so many happy thoughts and feelings. While I have some of these, I have many more memories of being scared and alone. While I was not completely alone because I had very supportive friends and family, the person I wanted and needed the most, my husband at the time and A's father, was in no way the loving supportive husband that I hoped to have. I am in no way saying this in a malicious way, let me make this clear. We were young, 20 and 21 at the time of her birth, and I'm sure he was as overwhelmed and scared as I was.  But it was during my pregnancy and after her birth that I learned how easy it was for him to walk away. I won't go into all of the details, because honestly, they don't matter, they don't change the outcome, he would still be gone from our lives, at least in the capacity that I had dreamed out.

When A was born 10 years ago today, I heard for the first time in my life the word "Ichthyosis". This would be the first of many times I would hear new medical terms, but Ichthyosis, from this day forward became a part of my every day vocabulary. I could go into all of the medical terms about this disorder, and I'm sure in later posts I will, but today, I will sum it up by saying that Ichthyosis is a rare skin disorder. It varies in severity, like any other medical condition, and every case is different. But it is so hard to explain in words how deeply it has affected my life.  Yet, I have not allowed it to define mine, or A's life.

As I reflect back,  I realize how fast the last 10 years has gone. I literally feel like I went to sleep one night, and woke up, and this baby that was here yesterday is now officially a "tween". Gone are the days of Care Bears and Hannah Montana, and here are the days of gossiping about boys and the "know it alls" at school!  I am thinking back, and telling myself how much she has grown up, then it hits me, it is I that has grown up as well. From the day she was born, I have grown from a young adult trying to find my way, into a mom.... And I could not have asked for a better teacher, friend, sidekick, and daughter. There is no one that I would have rather had by my side on this journey. Happy 10th birthday Ashlynne.  I love you more than all the grains of sand in the world!!!!!

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