This journey has been an incredibly painful one. Painful knowing my marriage is dissolving right before my eyes, painful self reflecting, painful knowing there are things I could have done better, and painful questioning whether or not I ever knew this person that I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with. In a matter of a few signatures, I will watch all of the dreams and plans we had made together disappear.
The whole way home from that lawyer's office I cried. I had just felt like I was hovering outside of my body, watching as we parted off all of our possessions, and things we had worked for our entire married life, and before. I thought of our wedding day. Of all of the promises we made to each other, of all of the dreams we had, all of the love. I have watched the years whittle away at those dreams, and those feelings, leaving both of us feeling defeated, and no where near where we thought we would be over 9 years later. Then I started thinking of all the nights, where I went to sleep wondering if I was even loved, as I'm sure he did the same. I started thinking of all of the fights, where our pride meant more to us than not hurting the person we had committed to loving. Somewhere along the way, we both lost sight of the fact that love isn't always a feeling, it's an action, a commitment... and now we are too far gone. There are just certain things you can't come back from. To be honest, I'm still crying. I allow myself 15 minutes in the morning to let my feelings take over, then I have to boss up. I have things to do.
There are people out there that are judging us... saying we didn't try hard enough, saying that we are throwing our lives away. But the bottom line is: none of those people lived in our 4 walls. None of those people know how hard either of us fought for this. None of them saw the life we lived, when we BOTH tried our hardest to just put on a happy face. They can judge, from their perch on the outside, but that will get them no where. The end result is still the same.
I read an article the other day that said something along the lines of this: when we realized we could no longer save our marriage, we started trying to save ourselves. That is where we are at. Trying to still form beautiful lives that we can both be proud of. Our children were going down with the sinking ship that our marriage had become, and I also realized it was up to me to save them, as well as myself. The worst part, was realizing that we were the reason the other person needed saving. We had gone from being each others' safe place, to being the reason the other needed a safe place. How does that even happen? I can't answer that question with any certainty, but I can say that it wasn't one single event, it was very gradual, and happened so slowly we weren't even aware of what was happening. Eventually, it came to a point where I was sacrificing myself in attempt to keep him content. I was losing myself, drowning, so he could live. I have to save myself.
I will not sit here and talk bad about him. Although in a small town, I'm sure people are waiting for it. I will not make this some dramatic episode, fit for a soap opera. Although I'm sure people will take that upon themselves to run with a story and add to it. There wasn't some huge event, or some sordid story. What happened between us was just that, between us. Sure, there have been low blows, and things that have happened since the split, but I'm trying my best to rewire myself, and not react. Some people crave the reaction, and I'm not giving in to that any more. I gave in for far too long.
Here are the things I know about my soon to be ex husband: he gave me a beautiful daughter, and for 10 years, let me share in the raising of his son, and he is not a bad person. He might not have been good for me, but that doesn't mean there isn't good in him. I would like to think that at times, we both bettered each other. I would like to think that neither one of us can say that we hate each other. And I would like to think that we are both walking away from this with some valuable lessons learned. I wish him nothing but the best. I hope that he can come out of this a better man. I hope we can both internalize the things we know we did wrong, and not repeat the same mistakes. I hope we can both move forward, and maybe somehow form a beautiful friendship. I can't imagine ever hating someone that I loved as much as I loved him. I also don't want people to take sides, although I know that some will. I'm sure that he would also say the same. It won't benefit our daughter at all if there are two separate sides to her life. Here are some things I know about me: I will be ok, I am stronger than I thought, and I have some amazing friends in my life.
I will move on. He will move on. And while I'm sure we will both struggle watching the other live life without us, it is part of it. It will be hard watching him for a life with someone else that he was supposed to form with me. But, for him, I wasn't enough, or he would have stayed. I am not sitting around crying, playing the victim, thinking I'm an inadequate person, and a failure at life. I'm simply being honest and real, and raw. I was not enough for him. My best was not good enough. Your best will never be enough for the wrong person. And I wasn't his person.
The bottom line is this: he heard me, and I heard him. We both heard the pleas of each other, asking for some give and compromise, and sometimes asking for change. And I'm sure with some time, we will both make some of the changes that the other wanted. But for some reason, we couldn't, or wouldn't do that for each other. This is the part of my life where I get to start figuring out who I am. I have to figure out my hobbies, rather than just following his. I have to figure out what I like to do for fun, rather than doing what someone else wanted to do. I have to figure out who I am without being Russ's wife. And I will figure it all out. This will be a painful, but beautiful journey. I pray for peace. I pray for healing. And I will continue to pray for him.